Why You Feel Stuck (And It's Not Your Fault): A Trauma-Informed Path to Reinventing Your Life at 40+
- Bernadette Henry
- 36 minutes ago
- 11 min read
Introduction: The Weight of "Should"
You're doing everything right. At least, that's what it looks like from the outside.
You're showing up at work, delivering on deadlines, managing projects, and leading teams. You're driving kids to soccer practice, helping with homework, packing lunches, and attending parent-teacher conferences. You're remembering birthdays, scheduling doctor's appointments, and keeping the household running. You're the glue holding everything together.
But here's what no one sees: You're exhausted. Not just tired—soul-deep exhausted. And somewhere beneath the daily grind of responsibilities, there's a whisper that gets louder in quiet moments. Is this all there is? When do I get to live my dream? When is it my turn?
If you're a woman in your 40s reading this, I want you to know something: That voice inside you isn't selfish. It's not ungrateful. It's not a sign that you're weak or failing. That voice is your authentic self, trying to break through years of conditioning, expectations, and yes—trauma.
Yes, I said trauma. And before you dismiss that word as something that only applies to other people, stay with me. Because understanding what trauma really is, and how it's been shaping your life without your knowledge, might be the key to finally breaking free from whatever's been holding you back from the reinvention you're craving.
What Trauma Really Means (And Why It Matters to You)
When most people hear the word "trauma," they think of dramatic, life-threatening events—war zones, violent crimes, catastrophic accidents. And while those certainly qualify, trauma is actually much more common and much more nuanced than most of us realize.
According to the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA), trauma results from "an event, series of events, or set of circumstances that is experienced by an individual as physically or emotionally harmful or life threatening, and that has lasting adverse effects on the individual's functioning and mental, physical, social, emotional or spiritual well-being."
Read that definition again, especially the part about "emotionally harmful" and "lasting adverse effects." Trauma isn't just about what happened to you—it's about how it impacted you and continues to impact you today.
This means trauma can include:
Growing up with a parent who struggled with addiction or mental illness
Experiencing emotional neglect or dismissal of your feelings as a child
Being in a controlling or emotionally abusive relationship
Losing a loved one suddenly
Being bullied or excluded
Experiencing discrimination or marginalization
Going through a painful divorce
Surviving a serious illness or medical crisis
Witnessing violence in your home or community
Do any of these resonate? If so, you're not alone—not even close.
The Numbers Don't Lie: Trauma is Everywhere
Here's something that might surprise you: Research shows that 61% of men and 51% of women have experienced at least one traumatic event in their lifetime. Think about that for a moment. That means in any room of people, more than half have lived through something that left a mark on their soul.
In behavioral health settings specifically, the numbers are even more striking: 90% of people receiving services have experienced trauma. Trauma isn't the exception—it's practically universal.
The groundbreaking Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) Study surveyed over 9,500 adults and found that more than half reported having at least one adverse childhood experience. These experiences included things like abuse, neglect, household dysfunction, parental substance abuse, mental illness, or domestic violence.
But here's where it gets really important for understanding why you might feel stuck right now: The study found a direct correlation between childhood adversity and struggles in adulthood. People who experienced four or more categories of childhood adversity showed dramatically increased risks for:
Alcoholism and drug abuse
Depression and suicide attempts
Smoking and poor self-rated health
Physical inactivity and severe obesity
Even certain types of cancer in adulthood
Let me be clear: I'm not sharing these statistics to depress you or make you feel hopeless. I'm sharing them because knowledge is power. Understanding that there's a reason you feel stuck, that there are actual neurological and psychological mechanisms at play, can be incredibly freeing. It means you're not broken, you're not weak, and you're not crazy.
You're someone whose brain and body learned to protect you in the best way they knew how. And now, it's time to update those old survival strategies so you can finally step into the life you're meant to live.
The Invisible Cage: How Trauma Creates Blockers to Reinvention
So what does trauma have to do with your desire to reinvent your life? Everything.
Trauma literally changes how your brain works. It affects your ability to trust yourself and others. It impacts your sense of safety in the world. It influences whether you believe change is even possible. And it shapes the stories you tell yourself about who you are and what you deserve.
Think about the common blockers that might be holding you back from the reinvention you're craving:
"I'm too old to start over." This isn't truth—it's fear talking. And that fear often stems from early messages you received about your worth, your capabilities, or your right to take up space.
"I can't let my kids/partner/family down." If you learned early on that your needs weren't as important as others', or that expressing your desires caused conflict or abandonment, you'll naturally put everyone else first—even at the expense of your own dreams.
"What if I fail? What if I'm not good enough?" When you've experienced criticism, neglect, or abuse, your inner voice becomes an echo of those old wounds. That harsh self-talk isn't your authentic voice—it's trauma talking.
"I should just be grateful for what I have." This one is particularly insidious. Gratitude is beautiful, but it shouldn't be a cage. If you were taught that wanting more makes you selfish or ungrateful, you'll suppress your dreams—and resent yourself for it.
"I don't even know what I want anymore." When you've spent years in survival mode, meeting everyone else's needs and managing crises, you lose touch with your own desires. Trauma can disconnect you from your authentic self.
Here's what one woman who finally broke free from these blockers shared: "Back then, I didn't have a voice. My history had never been addressed. I felt shut down. Nobody was interested in me as a person. It was all about following the rules, checking off the boxes. I wasn't even a person. I spent years unseen and unheard. I was just trying to survive. I had no hope."
Does this sound familiar? Are you going through the motions of life without truly living? Checking boxes but feeling empty? Surviving but not thriving?
It's time for a different approach.
The Trauma-Informed Approach: A New Framework for Your Journey
Research over the past two decades has revolutionized how we understand mental health and healing. As Sweeney and colleagues explain in their 2018 article published in BJPsych Advances, trauma-informed approaches emerged specifically because research demonstrated that "trauma is widespread across society, that it is highly correlated with mental health and that this is a costly public health issue."
The fundamental shift in trauma-informed care—and what makes it so powerful for your reinvention journey—is moving from asking "What is wrong with you?" to asking "What happened to you?"
Can you feel the difference in those two questions?
"What is wrong with you?" implies you're broken, defective, fundamentally flawed. It's the voice that says you're too old, too scared, too stuck, too much, or not enough.
"What happened to you?" acknowledges that you're responding logically to what you've experienced. It recognizes your resilience. It honors your survival. And it opens the door to healing and transformation.
According to SAMHSA, trauma-informed care is "a strengths-based service delivery approach that is grounded in an understanding of and responsiveness to the impact of trauma that emphasizes physical, psychological and emotional safety for both providers and survivors, and that creates opportunities for survivors to rebuild a sense of control and empowerment."
Let's break down what this means for YOU as you consider reinventing your life:
1. Safety First
You can't dream big or take risks if you don't feel safe. This doesn't just mean physical safety—it means emotional and psychological safety too. As you consider making changes in your life, ask yourself: What do I need to feel safe enough to explore new possibilities? Maybe it's building up a financial cushion. Maybe it's finding a therapist or coach who truly sees you. Maybe it's joining a community of women on similar journeys. Honor what you need.
2. Rebuild Your Sense of Control
Trauma often involves experiences where you had no control or choice. Reinventing your life is about reclaiming that power. Start small. What's one decision you can make today that's entirely yours? What's one boundary you can set? What's one tiny step toward your dream that you can take right now? Control comes back gradually, one choice at a time.
3. Recognize Your Strengths
You're not starting from zero. You've survived 100% of your worst days. You've learned, adapted, and kept going. You've raised children while building a career. You've managed impossible schedules and impossible expectations. Those aren't signs of weakness—they're evidence of incredible strength. Your reinvention doesn't require you to become someone new; it requires you to fully step into who you've always been.
4. Avoid Re-traumatization
As you pursue change, be mindful of old patterns that might replicate past hurts. If you grew up with a hypercritical parent, don't hire a coach or join a program that uses shame and harsh criticism. If you experienced neglect, don't pursue your dreams in isolation—build support systems. If you felt controlled, don't trade one cage for another. Choose paths that honor your healing.
5. You're the Expert on You
In traditional models, experts tell you what you need. In a trauma-informed approach, you're recognized as the expert on your own life. No one else can tell you what your reinvented life should look like. Not your partner, not your kids, not your friends, not even well-meaning professionals. Your dreams are valid because they're yours.
The Empowerment Shift: From Surviving to Thriving
Sweeney and colleagues note that trauma-informed care "offers opportunities to improve service users' experiences...through greater understanding, respect and trust." This same principle applies to how you approach your own reinvention.
When you understand your trauma history, you can finally have compassion for yourself. You can respect the journey you've been on. And you can begin to trust yourself again—your instincts, your desires, your vision for your future.
One woman who experienced this shift shared: "With a trauma-informed approach, the practitioner sees me as a person. No longer do I feel that I am a diagnosis. From my first meeting here, I have felt safe and understood."
Imagine approaching your reinvention with that same lens. Not as a project to fix yourself, but as a journey to fully see yourself, honor yourself, and finally give yourself permission to flourish.
Practical Steps Forward: Your Trauma-Informed Reinvention Plan
Ready to start? Here's how to apply trauma-informed principles to your reinvention journey:
Step 1: Acknowledge Your Story You don't need to relive every painful moment, but do take time to acknowledge what you've been through—Journal about it. Talk with a trusted friend or therapist. Recognize how your past has shaped your present—not to stay stuck in it, but to understand the patterns you're ready to change.
Step 2: Identify Your Safety Needs What would make you feel safe enough to take risks? This is different for everyone. For some, it's financial security. For others, it's emotional support. For others, it's knowing they have a backup plan. Don't judge your needs—honor them.
Step 3: Start Small and Build You don't have to quit your job tomorrow or move across the country next week. Start with small acts of reclaiming your life. Take that class you've been curious about. Block out one hour a week for your passion project. Say no to one obligation that drains you. Small steps build momentum and prove to your nervous system that change can be safe.
Step 4: Build Your Support Team You can't do this alone, and you shouldn't have to. Find people who get it—whether that's a therapist trained in trauma-informed care, a coach who specializes in midlife transitions, or a community of women on similar journeys. Make sure your support system respects your autonomy and celebrates your strength.
Step 5: Rewrite Your Internal Narrative That harsh inner critic? Those limiting beliefs? They're not facts—they're echoes of old trauma. Start noticing when these voices show up, and practice talking back to them with compassion. "I'm not too old—I'm perfectly timed." "Wanting more doesn't make me selfish—it makes me human." "I'm not failing—I'm evolving."
Step 6: Reconnect With Your Desires If you've lost touch with what you actually want, it's time to get curious. What did you love before life got so complicated? What lights you up? What would you do if you knew you couldn't fail? What does your 80-year-old self wish you'd done today? Give yourself permission to dream again.
Step 7: Take Action From Empowerment, Not Fear There's a difference between changes motivated by fear ("I have to get out of here" or "I should be doing more") and changes motivated by authentic desire and empowerment ("I'm ready to explore this part of myself" or "I'm choosing to create something new"). Check in with your body and your intuition. Does this path feel expansive or constrictive? Exciting or obligatory? Trust yourself.
Conclusion: It's Time to Jump
You've been waiting for the "right time" to reinvent your life. You've been waiting until the kids are older, until you have more money, until you're more prepared, until you're less scared. But here's the truth: There's no perfect time. There's only now.
And "now" is pretty perfect, actually. You're not the same woman you were at 20 or 30. You're wiser now. You've learned what matters and what doesn't. You've developed skills and strengths you didn't even know were possible. You've survived things that would have broken your younger self. You're ready—even if you're scared.
The trauma you've experienced doesn't define you, but understanding it can free you. When you recognize that your "blockers" are actually protective mechanisms that once served you but now limit you, you can begin to release them with compassion rather than judgment.
When you understand that your exhaustion, your people-pleasing, your perfectionism, your fear of failure, your habit of putting everyone else first—when you understand these aren't character flaws but adaptive responses to past pain—you can finally extend to yourself the grace you've been offering everyone else.
Your 40s aren't the end of anything. They're the beginning of everything. This is the decade when you finally have enough life experience to know who you are and enough years ahead to fully become her. This is when you stop performing for others and start living for yourself. This is when you stop surviving and start thriving.
The reinvention you're craving isn't just possible—it's your birthright. You deserve to live a life that feels authentic, purposeful, and joyful. You deserve to wake up excited about your days rather than just getting through them. You deserve to be seen, heard, and valued—by others and, most importantly, by yourself.
It's time to jump.
Not because you have it all figured out. Not because the path is clear. Not because you're no longer afraid.
But because you're worthy of the leap. Because your dreams matter. Because your children deserve to see a mother who pursues her passion. Because the world needs what only you can offer. And because you've already proven, time and time again, that you're brave enough to do hard things.
The question isn't whether you're ready. You've been preparing for this your entire life. The question is: Will you let past trauma continue to write your story, or will you pick up the pen and write a new chapter?
The choice is yours. And sister, I'm betting on you.
Take the Next Step in Your Journey
If this message resonates with you and you're ready to move from inspiration to action, I want to invite you to check out "Jumping The Rope: Move Yourself and Manifest Yourself" by Bernadette Henry.
This powerful book offers proven strategies to redesign your life and construct the dream you envision. You'll discover how to persevere beyond your current reality and explore the purpose-filled life you've been dreaming of. Whether you're just starting to acknowledge your blockers or you're ready to take the leap, this book will meet you where you are and show you the way forward.
The women who have embraced these strategies aren't superhuman—they're just like you. They're juggling work and family. They're dealing with past trauma. They're scared and uncertain. But they're doing it anyway. And you can too.
Ready to start jumping?
Get your copy today: http://bit.ly/jumpimgtherope
Your reinvented life is waiting. Let's make it happen—together.
References
Felitti, V. J., Anda, R. F., Nordenberg, D., Williamson, D. F., Spitz, A. M., Edwards, V., Koss, M. P., & Marks, J. S. (1998). Relationship of childhood abuse and household dysfunction to many of the leading causes of death in adults: The Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) Study. American Journal of Preventive Medicine, 14(4), 245-258.
Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration. (2014). SAMHSA's Concept of Trauma and Guidance for a Trauma-Informed Approach. HHS Publication No. (SMA) 14-4884. Rockville, MD: Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration.
Sweeney, A., Filson, B., Kennedy, A., Collinson, L., & Gillard, S. (2018). A paradigm shift: Relationships in trauma-informed mental health services. BJPsych Advances, 24(5), 319-333. doi:10.1192/bja.2018.29